Here are questions from some of my clients and TBCS members, along with the best answers I could give them; most of my answers were arrived at by searching the Internet using Google.   In those cases where I say things nice or otherwise about a particular program, please note that I'm expressing only my opinion, and not necessarily that of TBCS, its members, or its board of directors.

Recently, a screen appeared which claims to be a program that scans and removes threats coming to my laptop.  There was no place to cancel, and I did not wish to sign up (for $29.95).  I removed it from my screen by clicking the "X", but after a while a different screen appeared advising me how many threats had been detected.  I have looked in Control Panel  »  Add/Remove Programs, but I can't find anything there to uninstall.  I emailed the company, but I have not had the courtesy of a reply from them.  Can you offer any advice as to how to permanently delete this from my computer?

No surprise you didn't hear back from them.  They didn't dump the program onto your computer so they could remove it for free — this is supposed to be a shakedown!  There are several of these fake malware detectors out there.  ...Like this next one...

What is Security Center, and how do I get rid of it?  It opens every time I boot the computer, tells me how many problems it found with my computer, and offers to download the software to fix it.  I have closed it using the "Continue Unprotected" button at times; other times, I clicked the X in the upper-right-hand corner of the popup window.  How do I keep it from appearing at all?

There are two programs called Security Center.  One of them is Windows Security Center, which if pretty useless, but at least it doesn't do any harm.  And it would never offer to download software for you; that's the other program, a 'rogue' package simply called Security Center.  It pretends to be a valid security program, runs a fake security scan, reports a multitude of fictitious problems, then pretends to repair them — AFTER getting your credit card number for the registration fee.

BTW, clicking anywhere on the Security Center popup probably gave it permission to run; it doesn't matter which button you clicked, or even if you clicked on the  X  ; the malware author can make them all point to the same instruction in the program:  run the fake scan, then rip off the 'mark' (that being you).  Once you see the window, it's already too late to get out gracefully and safely.  You can try using Ctrl-Alt-Del to open the Windows Task Manager, right-click Security Center, and left-click End Process Tree.  Then use System Restore to go back to your most recent Restore Point.

If you've had the problem for a while, the fix is a little more complicated, but not much:

• Reboot the computer, and hold down the F8 key till you get a Start Menu.

• Choose Safe Mode — not with Networking, nor with Command prompt, but just plain old Safe Mode.  The mouse doesn't work at this point, so use the Up/Down keys on the keyboard, and press Enter twice to start Safe Mode.

• After a quite scary scrolling list of drivers and other Windows modules goes by, you'll get a Safe Mode Welcome/Warning screen; click on No to start System Restore.  Choose "Restore My Computer To An Earlier Time" if you see it  »  Next  »  choose a Restore Point at least a week before the date you first got the Security Center popup (you might need to click "Choose Another Restore Point" first)  »  Next again  »  Finish.

After System Restore finishes rebooting your computer, download and install Avast! 5.0 (files/setup_av_free.exe); when the install program asks if you want to run a Boot-Time Scan for malware, say Yes.  When the installation completes, reboot the computer.

• If you can't download or install Avast! (some malware can prevent it), you can boot your laptop from a BartPE Rescue CD and run the DOS version of McAfee antivirus from the CD.  I'm not a huge fan of McAfee, but it beats paying someone to pull your hard drive and scan the drive on another computer.

• The BartPE CD has to be created on a Windows XP or 2000 computer, but you can use your Vista or "7" CD to create the same version you have on your infected computer.  ...Or use a friend's CD, with whatever version of Windows they use; just make sure the friend's computer is turned off while the BartPE CD is in use on your computer — it's a licensing thing.

  Download BartPE here:
  69.90.47.6/mybootdisks.com/mybootdisks_com/nu2/pebuilder3110a.exe

Ever since I got rid of my second phone line, which was exclusively for the computer, I have had a problem with static on my primary line.  I was told that with DSL only one phone line is necessary, so I have dropped the line that was just for the computer.  I have installed a Verizon filter on the modem line, on the DSL line, and on the fax line.

You have a filter on the DSL line?  That ain't right!  You need to filter everything plugged into any phone jack, everywhere in the house, EXCEPT the DSL line — it needs to go straight from the wall jack to the DSL modem, without a filter.

Here's a tip:  everything 'downstream' from a filter is filtered.  Sounds obvious, but lots of people think they need the same number of filters that they have of phones and devices.  Nope.  Plug a filter directly into each wall jack that has something else plugged into it, and everything 'daisy-chained' after the filter will be protected from the DSL noise, AND will be prevented from degrading the DSL signal.  (Ya'see, Timmy, the filter serves both purposes.)

If there's something else plugged into the same wall jack as the DSL modem, use a splitter; plug the DSL modem's phone cord into one side, a filter into the other side, then daisy-chain whatever phones or devices you like after the filter.

And remember, Caller ID boxes are phone devices too.  If you have one connected, put a filter between it and the wall.  And don't daisy-chain from a Caller ID box to the DSL modem; it won't work — I'd rather not say how I know it won't work, but it won't.  Trust me on this.

Back to your question:  here's how I would troubleshoot this problem, if I were there in person; hope it helps...

First, try unplugging every telephone device except one, and unplug the DSL modem; if you have any surge protectors inserted in the phone line, disconnect them for these tests.  Surge protectors work by allowing themselves to be destroyed by incoming surges, instead of letting your equipment take the punishment (sounds almost Biblical, don't it?); after a surge protector has given its life, it can sometimes generate random noise from the damaged components inside.

Listen for static on the single telephone you left connected — after dialing the first two digits of a phone number, so there's no dial tone.

If you still have trouble, try a different filter.

If there's still static, try a different phone at the same jack.

If there's still static, stick with the second phone, but try the first filter again.

If the problem persists, DSL isn't your problem — you have a noisy telephone line.  Go outside, and test it at the telephone interface box (using a DSL filter); again use two different phones and filters to be sure the cheap plastic phone or a defunct filter isn't the problem.

If there's static at the outside box, call Verizon — it's their problem, ask them nicely to come fix it, for free.

If it's clean at the outside box, your problem is poor wiring inside.

If you're paying extra for inside wiring protection, have Verizon come fix it.

Or, if you can get the last person who wired a phone jack to come back and check his work, great; otherwise, consider hiring me at my usual low rates to come find out what's going on — it could take as little as an hour, or as much as three hours, depending on how many jacks I need to open and re-wire before the problem goes away.  I'll also run all the tests described above, if you'd rather not bother, and still cap the job at a maximum of three hours.

And if the static goes away at the beginning of the test described above, but comes back as soon as you reconnect the DSL modem, there's always the possibility that the modem has gone south, and is generating spurious noise signals below the rejection band of the filters — the only fix for that would be a replacement modem from Verizon.  (The filters are designed to reject all signals above a certain frequency, most likely 5 or 6 kHz — analog telephone signals only use the frequencies between .3 and 3 kHz.  If the modem is creating random noise within the telephone pass-band, the filter sees it as voice or analog modem data, and lets it pass.  And I've seen this happen.)

When I go to "My Documents" and bring up an Excel file, Excel opens up and says ready in the lower left hand corner, but the document does not come up and I then have to go to Open File.  This is a recent problem.  In the past, when I clicked on an Excel file, it opened up in the Excel program.  I have not made any changes to my computer.  Have you run across this problem before, or is just limited to me?

It's just you.  Give your computer to a needy child, and enjoy the rest of your retirement.

OOPS!  Did I say that out loud?  I didn't mean to...

I have seen this problem before, on client computers as well as my own.  It happens because the part of the Windows Registry that includes file associations has gotten corrupted — in this case, only slightly.  It knows to open Excel when you double-click a spreadsheet file, but it either doesn't remember to go on and open the file, or it can't deal with the spaces in the file path leading to the spreadsheet file.

Here's your fix:  Right-click an Excel file (if you're using Windows 95, 98, or ME, highlight the file, then Shift-right-click it).  Click on Open With.  Don't choose Excel, but click instead on "Choose Program..."  Select Excel from the resulting list, but before you click on OK, put a check mark in the "Always Use the Selected Program to Open This Kind of File" box.  Click OK.  Excel should open, and the spreadsheet file you clicked in the first place should open in the Excel window.  ..as should all Excel files you click from now on.  Please let me know if they don't.

If Excel isn't in the program list (it should be, since Windows is already starting it each time you click on a spreadsheet), click on Browse  »  navigate to "C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Office"  »  double-click Excel.exe.  Now click on OK.

I have a list of people in an .XLS file that I need to sort by community; it's currently sorted alphabetically.  I've spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to do this with Open Office sCalc, but am failing miserably.

I assume you're using OpenOffice 3, and the columns in your spreadsheet are labeled...

• With the file open in Calc, click on the empty cell in the upper left corner; this will highlight all the data on the sheet.

• In the menu at the top, click on Data  »  Sort.
  • Before choosing which column to sort by, click the Options tab, and put a check mark next to "Range Contains Column Labels"; that will keep Calc from sorting the labels, and will change the column names in the Sort Criteria tab.

  • Also choose "Top to Bottom" to sort by rows.
• Now click on the Sort Criteria tab, and use the first drop-down list to choose the column you want to sort by; if you like, you can choose additional columns to sort by in case there are duplicate entries in the first column.  The default is to sort in Ascending order, and I think that's what you're looking for here.

• Click OK.  Your data will un-highlight, and it should be presented in the new order.

I am running Windows XP Media Center Edition 2002 on a Compaq pc.  I want to reformat my computer and do a clean install.  I have attempted every way I know to format the computer short of a boot disk — my computer came without a Windows CD.  All my personal files are on a separate partion, so I need to format the C: drive (partion) without formatting the D: partition.  Any ideas?

I need some clarification: